Taking the Reins

I tried to think of some in-your-face-firework-explosion way to start this article, but nothing felt right. Simplicity is the perfect way to start this. You see, I’m a victim, but a survivor, of depression. It’s part of who I am, and I feel this is something that my heart is telling me to write about.

Middle school is rough for everyone. It’s a time when our bodies are changing, cliques are forming, and we’re entering an abnormal limbo between childhood and adulthood. At least in high school you’re half way across the line into adulthood- middle school is a different story though. The trials of middle school, though when we look back as adults are small, are huge to someone who is actually experiencing them. Though it’s tough to pinpoint an exact time of when I went from being “normal” to depressed, it’s clear that it began, and hit me the hardest, in middle school.

I've always been a curious kid. My mom always says I could make ears bleed with all my talking and question asking as a child. That’s still carried into today, and definitely played a big part of my middle school experiences, except it wasn't positive nor cute like a child asking why the sky is blue. My questions turned to things like “Why don’t people like me?”, “What did I do wrong?”, and “Why do I even bother living anymore?”. I began to place the blame of everything wrong in my life on myself. My dad’s illnesses, the isolation I faced at school, why I looked so different from everyone; to preteen me, it was all due to something I did, or was, doing wrong. I felt alone, I felt like I didn't have any friends, like I didn't belong on this Earth. I questioned and got angry with God, asking why I was going through so much. I continued to blame myself, until I reached a breaking point and began to punish myself. I couldn't understand why bad things kept happening to me- I was a nice kid, I got stellar grades, I didn't disobey my parents, and very rarely skipped church. Self harm became something I regularly turned too. I never did anything too permanent, just enough to make myself feel pain. I began to stop hanging out with friends, preferring to be in my room with the lights off than out enjoying the world. There were those dark, gruesome nights when escape from the world seemed like the best option to turn to. I thought maybe if I punished myself, whatever I was doing wrong would be balanced out and life would deal me a good hand of cards.

Looking back, I was so wrong with everything that happened. It wasn't my fault, and I shouldn't have punished myself like I did. But in the present time, that’s how I felt. I never turned to anyone for help, for fear of doing something else wrong and being isolated even more. I felt alone. I had read so many articles of kids turning for help, but having what they’re feeling written off as teen angst, or hormones raging and causing mood swings. Never once did I turn to an adult for help. In fact, I never even told a single adult about what I was feeling until my sophomore year of high school, far after I had taken control of my own mind again. I found help in my writing for a while, trying to let out the emotions swamping my mind as ink on a stark white page. Some online friends I made through writing helped as well. My literal saving grace came when I started going to a church, The Well, where I still attend today. For once, I felt like I belonged in a place. God placed his hand on me and led me to that special place, using his children there to show me what it meant to be loved. The problems in my way of thinking were illuminated; it wasn't my fault. It wasn't that God had left me; God was by my side the entire time. I just never listened to him. Jesus says you are good enough, even when the world does not; even when you yourself say you aren't good enough. Never once are you promised that your life will be perfect in the Bible, and that is something Christians everywhere need to cast out of their lives. What it does promise is that God will provide you support, a shoulder to lean on, and help you walk through the slings and arrows that you face everyday. He didn't cause me to be depressed; but he will use everything I went through to make sure that other people on Earth know that he will help, that they are loved, and that they are special in his eyes.

Depression is not something you can rid of completely. It’s not like the chicken pox; something you get once and don’t have to worry about again. It’s more similar to a cancer, something that you always fear relapsing into. It’s a part of who I am. I still have days where I feel alone, and can’t help but look at the negative side of things. It’s crippling, and stops my day in it’s tracks. But the difference now is that I see depression is not something that can control me. Through turning to God I realized that I can do anything, specifically take the reins and push depression back into the dark crevice of my mind where it belongs. It’s something I still live with; each day is a battle. I wake up and have to tell myself that I can make each day positive, and pray to God to help me do so, because without him it is impossible. I've started looking for the light in everything. My favorite musical, Into the Woods, has one line that embodies this. “The light is getting dimmer, I think I see a glimmer”. Not matter how dark times seem, if you look toward the light, you’ll find your way. No matter how I stray from the path, how awful things appear, there’s always a glimmer to look for. There is always hope, and if that's the only thing taken away from this article than so be it. Always hold to hope.

Depression does not leave a person. Instead they become able to overcome it. You can’t look at me when I’m sad and say “Get over it” or “Cheer up”. It doesn't work that way. Instead, lend them strength. “I’m here for you.” “I’m praying for you.” “You’re amazing.” In a world full of violence and judgement, the best medicine you can provide someone with depression on their bad days is support. If you have someone come to you struggling with depression, do not dismiss it. Do not push a young person aside, saying they’re overreacting, or that it’s just teenage hormones. Depression is not a joke, and I want people to see that. If you have depression, don’t be afraid to reach out to someone. It’s not something you can tackle alone. Depression is strong, and it will overcome you if you don’t look for help. But just remember; you can be stronger. With the help of God, with the help of friends, family, anyone, you can get to a point where every day you wake up and you control your life. It won’t happen right away, but it will. Life does get better, and it’s beautiful, as are you.

Some of my favorite Bible verses to turn to;

Jeremiah 29:11

I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.
Galatians 5:1

Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand! Never again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you.
Philippians 4:1

My dear, dear friends! I love you so much. I do want the very best for you. You make me feel such joy, fill me with such pride. Don’t waver. Stay on track, steady in God.
Mark 11:23

"Truly I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them.
2 Corinthians 5:17

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.

National Suicide Prevention Hotline;

1 (800) 273-8255