A Call to Action, A Call to Love.

Fifty three. After the massacre on Sunday, there are now 53 people dead in the LGBTQ+ community. I've been trying so hard to process how to feel and deal with this. There are so many words I could use to paint how my soul feels.

Pain. Sorrow. Isolation. Anger. Disgust. Sadness. Frustration. Confusion. But mostly, I am exhausted.

To all my lbtq+ family...I love you all. We face a lot, you know, and so many of you are so strong. You've faced so much more in your life than anyone should, for something so simple to understand. If anyone needs an open ear, or an empty shoulder, I am here. God loves you, I love you, you are amazing. Know that.

But I want to talk to my straight friends now.

Many of you are posting about your prayers going towards those in the Orlando massacre and others affected by it. First, I want to thank you for all your prayers. It is great to see people join together and show care in a time like this. There are many of you who are such good people at heart. You try to spread love, and show that you see our pain in situations like this. You share joy when we find someone to date. You celebrate our right to marry. You are our friends.

But I am now challenging you to take a step further. I’m calling you to not use this simply for your own islamophobia. For your own hatred. This man wasn't just an ISIS terrorist. He was enraged by seeing two gay men kissing, and decided to directly attack our community in one of the few places we feel safe.

I want you to understand, this is terrifying. I go to clubs like this. They allow me to have fun, to let go, to forget what it’s like to worry about not being straight and just dance.

Everyday, LGBTQ+ people live in fear. Our existence alone is a radical expression of bravery. I live in fear for my life because of this. I fear every time I have to come out to someone, because it is never just a one time thing. I fear every time I wear a gay pride shirt. Anytime I say the word boyfriend. Anytime I talk about gay rights. Anytime I get out of my car with my equality sticker on the back. Anytime I wear something not in the stereotypical straight male fashion. Every time I walk past a group of men on the street. Every time I'm walking alone at night after work. Every time I go to a new church.  All of it leaves me riddled with fear. Only in a few places do I feel like I don't have to worry about being attacked because of my sexuality.

And if we're being honest, some of you are to blame. You’ve agreed with people who call us disgusting. You’ve agreed with people who call us pedophiles, who say we're going to hell. You’ve said our right to marry is because the country is going down the drain. You shun us from your churches. You verbally accost us when we hold our partners hand in public. When the older generations talk hatefully, you defend them and say it's just because of their age, yet you don't teach your children not to use slurs that are thrown at us like daggers or to show us respect. You say we're better when we don't shove it in your face. You get outraged when we appear on your TV shows, or get attention in the media. You sit in silence when your friends or pastor preach hate. You ignore our endless torment. You make comments when we are still in the closet, unaware of how you’re speaking hate in our very presence. You momentarily mourn the loss of young souls driven to suicide, wondering what could have led them there, and then move on, simply glad it wasn’t someone you know. You erase us from history. You’ve turned a blind eye as we’re kicked out for being ourselves, as we’ve been turned away from homeless shelters, as we aren’t allowed to give blood. You watch as we are fired from our jobs. You say things like “Why can’t I have straight pride?”. You only like us when we’re quiet, simply existing, where you can “hate the sin, but love the sinner”. You continue to oppress us, yet wonder why we are so angry and fight so hard. You may have not shot the gun, but you helped provide the bullets.

And I’m tired of it. You say you love your neighbors, but still do things like this. None of it is okay. At all. This moves past your simple opinion or belief if something is “right”. It is murdering people. Breaking people.

But, I forgive you. Not because I understand. Not because I think it’s okay. Not because I want to be the bigger person. I forgive you because the God I serve is a God of forgiveness, of undying and unconditional love. Unconditional love that sees that I’m gay and still plans on using me in the kingdom. A God that shows me how my own judgement and love is past my own understand, but should be looked at in holy eyes. A God and love that teaches me everyone is made in the holy image of God, beautiful and sacred.

I am not blaming you for being straight. I am not mad at you for being straight. Some of you are good allies. I am not mad at you for existing. But you have to understand, that is something I have to deal with every day when I wake up. This man was so enraged by lgbtq people existing that he went into a place where we feel safe and made it a place of war and death.

I have friends who are now terrified to go to work. I've seen post about people who are even more terrified to come out now. I have friends who are angry, who are heart broken, who are hurting. We are all hurting. You have to understand why for many of us, saying we are in your prayers is like petting us with a long stick, keeping your distance from the real situation.

In the New Testament, Jesus tells us in Mark 12:30-31 “and you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ No other commandment is greater than these.”

None of your behaviors are congruent with these, the two greatest commands of Jesus. The one who came to bridge the gap between the Earth and Heaven, so that we can feel and see the unconditional love of God. The one who loved the woman at the well, who loved the Samaritan, who loved the tax collectors. If we truly believe that everyone is made in the image of God, and are following these two commandments, the minute we kick someone out of our church or turn a cold shoulder to them because of their sexuality, we turning away God.

We can not let hateful speech and behaviors continue to spread through the church anymore. I pray that this massacre lets you see that. It is time we start loving, unconditionally, even if it is outside our own understanding. This love we as Christians are called to show is supposed to be messy. Its supposed to be community. Unending. Powerful. Not simply showing your condolences, but being the hands and feet of Jesus Christ.

So, I am challenging you to take a step further. Talk to your LGBTQ+ neighbors. Love them. Try to understand them. Ask if they are oka Check on your gay friend. Acknowledge your bi friend’s sexuality as valid. Ask your transgender friend about their preferred pronouns. Donate to organizations that help LGBTQ+ homeless youth. Stand up when others start speaking hatefully. Take in youth if you have an open room. Stop saying things like love the sinner, hate the sin. Vote for bills that protect LGBTQ+ people. Recognize erasure in the media, in history. There is so much you can do, so much love you can spread. Invite them to your Bible study. Don’t treat them as a lost causes to pray for and pity. Partake in communion with them, in fellowship, worship with them. You have for years. It’s time to start looking at them not as an other but for what they really are. They are children of God.

It's time to start backing up your love, all in, no matter what, just as God continues to love us no matter what.

But do not forget what this was. It was a hate crime. It was pure hatred. But we can not let this fill us with hate. We must convert it to love, and put more of it out into the universe. Unconditional, whole, agape love.

I pray that the souls lost on Sunday find a peaceful rest. I pray for the LGTBQ+ community, who is still grieving. I pray for the Latinx community, as the event attacked was a special event for them. I pray that people open their eyes and hearts to how serious situations like this are. I pray for Omar Mateem’s soul. I pray for his family. I pray for the Muslim community which will be wrongfully attacked. I pray for Orlando. I pray for Florida. I pray for the US. I pray for the world. I pray for peace.

It’s time to stop living an Old Testament mentality in a New Testament world. Let love motivate you in everything you do, consume you from the inside and out, and show it to those who need it.

Taking the Reins

I tried to think of some in-your-face-firework-explosion way to start this article, but nothing felt right. Simplicity is the perfect way to start this. You see, I’m a victim, but a survivor, of depression. It’s part of who I am, and I feel this is something that my heart is telling me to write about.

Middle school is rough for everyone. It’s a time when our bodies are changing, cliques are forming, and we’re entering an abnormal limbo between childhood and adulthood. At least in high school you’re half way across the line into adulthood- middle school is a different story though. The trials of middle school, though when we look back as adults are small, are huge to someone who is actually experiencing them. Though it’s tough to pinpoint an exact time of when I went from being “normal” to depressed, it’s clear that it began, and hit me the hardest, in middle school.

I've always been a curious kid. My mom always says I could make ears bleed with all my talking and question asking as a child. That’s still carried into today, and definitely played a big part of my middle school experiences, except it wasn't positive nor cute like a child asking why the sky is blue. My questions turned to things like “Why don’t people like me?”, “What did I do wrong?”, and “Why do I even bother living anymore?”. I began to place the blame of everything wrong in my life on myself. My dad’s illnesses, the isolation I faced at school, why I looked so different from everyone; to preteen me, it was all due to something I did, or was, doing wrong. I felt alone, I felt like I didn't have any friends, like I didn't belong on this Earth. I questioned and got angry with God, asking why I was going through so much. I continued to blame myself, until I reached a breaking point and began to punish myself. I couldn't understand why bad things kept happening to me- I was a nice kid, I got stellar grades, I didn't disobey my parents, and very rarely skipped church. Self harm became something I regularly turned too. I never did anything too permanent, just enough to make myself feel pain. I began to stop hanging out with friends, preferring to be in my room with the lights off than out enjoying the world. There were those dark, gruesome nights when escape from the world seemed like the best option to turn to. I thought maybe if I punished myself, whatever I was doing wrong would be balanced out and life would deal me a good hand of cards.

Looking back, I was so wrong with everything that happened. It wasn't my fault, and I shouldn't have punished myself like I did. But in the present time, that’s how I felt. I never turned to anyone for help, for fear of doing something else wrong and being isolated even more. I felt alone. I had read so many articles of kids turning for help, but having what they’re feeling written off as teen angst, or hormones raging and causing mood swings. Never once did I turn to an adult for help. In fact, I never even told a single adult about what I was feeling until my sophomore year of high school, far after I had taken control of my own mind again. I found help in my writing for a while, trying to let out the emotions swamping my mind as ink on a stark white page. Some online friends I made through writing helped as well. My literal saving grace came when I started going to a church, The Well, where I still attend today. For once, I felt like I belonged in a place. God placed his hand on me and led me to that special place, using his children there to show me what it meant to be loved. The problems in my way of thinking were illuminated; it wasn't my fault. It wasn't that God had left me; God was by my side the entire time. I just never listened to him. Jesus says you are good enough, even when the world does not; even when you yourself say you aren't good enough. Never once are you promised that your life will be perfect in the Bible, and that is something Christians everywhere need to cast out of their lives. What it does promise is that God will provide you support, a shoulder to lean on, and help you walk through the slings and arrows that you face everyday. He didn't cause me to be depressed; but he will use everything I went through to make sure that other people on Earth know that he will help, that they are loved, and that they are special in his eyes.

Depression is not something you can rid of completely. It’s not like the chicken pox; something you get once and don’t have to worry about again. It’s more similar to a cancer, something that you always fear relapsing into. It’s a part of who I am. I still have days where I feel alone, and can’t help but look at the negative side of things. It’s crippling, and stops my day in it’s tracks. But the difference now is that I see depression is not something that can control me. Through turning to God I realized that I can do anything, specifically take the reins and push depression back into the dark crevice of my mind where it belongs. It’s something I still live with; each day is a battle. I wake up and have to tell myself that I can make each day positive, and pray to God to help me do so, because without him it is impossible. I've started looking for the light in everything. My favorite musical, Into the Woods, has one line that embodies this. “The light is getting dimmer, I think I see a glimmer”. Not matter how dark times seem, if you look toward the light, you’ll find your way. No matter how I stray from the path, how awful things appear, there’s always a glimmer to look for. There is always hope, and if that's the only thing taken away from this article than so be it. Always hold to hope.

Depression does not leave a person. Instead they become able to overcome it. You can’t look at me when I’m sad and say “Get over it” or “Cheer up”. It doesn't work that way. Instead, lend them strength. “I’m here for you.” “I’m praying for you.” “You’re amazing.” In a world full of violence and judgement, the best medicine you can provide someone with depression on their bad days is support. If you have someone come to you struggling with depression, do not dismiss it. Do not push a young person aside, saying they’re overreacting, or that it’s just teenage hormones. Depression is not a joke, and I want people to see that. If you have depression, don’t be afraid to reach out to someone. It’s not something you can tackle alone. Depression is strong, and it will overcome you if you don’t look for help. But just remember; you can be stronger. With the help of God, with the help of friends, family, anyone, you can get to a point where every day you wake up and you control your life. It won’t happen right away, but it will. Life does get better, and it’s beautiful, as are you.

Some of my favorite Bible verses to turn to;

Jeremiah 29:11

I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.
Galatians 5:1

Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand! Never again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you.
Philippians 4:1

My dear, dear friends! I love you so much. I do want the very best for you. You make me feel such joy, fill me with such pride. Don’t waver. Stay on track, steady in God.
Mark 11:23

"Truly I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them.
2 Corinthians 5:17

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.

National Suicide Prevention Hotline;

1 (800) 273-8255

Raise Your Words

"In my opinion..." "I think..."

Both of these are popular phrases on social media today, especially when talking about issues present in our society. Recently, it seems that things are becoming more and more controversial. People are speaking their minds about issues that bother them - which is fantastic! However, a lot of people lose credibility with their opinions, sometimes with what directly follows those "I think"s, and a lot more with how they respond to other people's opinions.

One of my biggest pet peeves probably has to be when someone makes a decision on how they view something without really researching it and forming a factual, thought out opinion. All over my twitter feed I see posts from my peers about issues going on without any research, or possibly even worse, one source and no others. If I've learned anything in the past few years, it's that if you have a solid opinion, people will respect you more and you may even be able to change people's minds.

Seeing all of the fights on Facebook makes me think of an activity I learned this past semester of college. It was presented to me a couple of different times, with maybe an alteration here or there to fit the situation, but the premise went like this; We would be split into either pairs, or depending on the number a group of three, and then a (usually) controversial statement or question was brought to our attention. Usually, we were paired with someone that did not have the same view point as our own. Instead of arguing about our points, we were both then given a controlled amount of time to inform the other person on what we thought. If you were the one not speaking at the time, you only had one goal; listen. In one activity I did like this, right after one person gave their opinion on the issue, the other person who was listening was to repeat what information they were just given to clarify that they understood the other person's viewpoint. Only then could said person go on to share their own view point, and the first person did the same as before; listened and then repeated. After all this happened, then the two could discuss, not argue, about their views and the differences.

The whole point of this activity was to get us to listen to one another. The main problem I see in today's age, be it in a classroom or a courtroom, is that each side is worried too much about arguing their point of view instead of learning what it is that the other side thinks. When this happens, often people get too caught up in the heat of the moment, make weaker arguments, and more than likely offend each other.

From my personal experience, learning to listen helped me greatly. I was able to make friends and have intelligent conversations about opposing view points without getting upset or angry, all because we sat down and listened to each other and instead of focusing on winning, focused on learning. This changed my mind on certain issues, and also helped me get my viewpoint across to other people as well. Sometimes we would still disagree, but we left the conversation having more knowledge and understanding of what it really is that the other person believes.

In one of the instances I was given this activity, I was paired with a friend who had a different view on same-sex marriage than I do. Both of us had facts behind our opinions, and despite our different opinions, we surprisingly found an abundance of similarities in what we thought and how we formed our opinions. Because we were both listening to each other, we were able to really understand each other, and this opened us up to even more conversation. This is something I wish more people would do, because when you get mad and argue, especially on social media, all you do is push people away from other view points and close yourself off from bettering yourself, and bettering society.

So, next time that you really want to get an opinion across when you see or hear something you don't agree with, just listen, or in the case of social media, read into it. Don't just read it and respond. Actually look into the issue, find factual sources (not just one source either. News sites/stations are probably some of the most biased sources you can get). And most of all, stay calm, because you change people's minds with love, not hate.

"Raise your words, not your voice. It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder." - Rumi